5 Month Anniversary…. I Miss You

Hello!!

Last week was a pretty good week. I finally made a decision on a matter that I have been wishy washy about for a year. I had a wonderful Easter with family(I brought the lamb, I will share recipe next week).

DISCLAIMER:  I actually wrote this post yesterday (04.11.12).  I was sitting at one of my favorite sushi restaurants, eating my new FAVORITE sushi roll, trying to get my emotions together so I could finish out my work day.

This last week has been an emotional roller coaster for me.  I am not sure what triggered my mind this week, but all week long I have had the overwhelming realization that I am suppose to have a six month old child.

That there should be a small little person gazing up at me. There should be little tiny little fingers touch me. that there should be toys and blankets sprawled across my clean floor with someone crawling around and playing with them.

I want to read mother goose stories and talk about the “car goes vroom” I desire to be frazzled with the business and care of someone other than myself. And songs, all the songs that I wanted to sing and make up on the fly.I long to be making baby food out of my fresh finds from the market. and I crave to hold my sweet boy in my arms.

But this week, it hit really hard, the during my attempt to recreate some sort of normalcy to our lives that there is something missing. Though, we try to make sure that the house is not too quite, and that we have activities to do while we are home so we do not sit and dwell on these thoughts but this week it did not matter what I did all thoughts, actions and activities lead my mind to my precious one.

At the moment there are not cries of  “pick me up” or “you are not paying me any attention” in my house, only tears of hope deferred of what we thought life could of, would of and in our hearts should have been.

Yesterday, I realized why my emotions have been fragile this week.  Tomorrow marks 5 months our little man has been gone from us. Even, though I am learning how to move forward, I miss him dearly.  I so looked forward  to helping him develop into a wonderful young man.  I wanted him to enjoy his childhood, while we enjoyed watching his wonder and excitement for life.  I looked forward to the first time I saw him roll, his first smile. I would sit back and imagine seeing him in his walker, walking around the morning room and into the kitchen.  I wanted to see him crawl down the all; turn, sit up and look back to see if I was watching him.

04.12.12  I had lunch with one of my girlfriends’.  The last time we actually got to spend time together I was pregnant. And over our “Pad U See” she tells me she is  preggers, and that I am one of the few people who know.  While she is telling me that, I am truly happy for her, all the while my heart is hurting.  Then, within breaths of her telling me she was pregnant, she tell me while i was pregnant she had a miscarriage, while I was pregnant.

At that moment I felt a little bit of hope rise within in me, that maybe, I can allow myself to hope.  And just maybe I can move forward.

Day by Day and Moment by Moment,

Estella

Ps.  the lamb


Easter Egg Hunt Canceled Due To Aggressive Parents

Hello Everyone,

I posted the link for the article on 3.27.2012, but did not add any thing to go with it, so here we go! http://n.pr/H3UXBB

This was truly funny to me,   I have had the privileged to work a Easter Egg hunt for a community event, and  would love to say that parents are BRUTAL!.

Actually  I have worked several events that involve children and their guardians and have come to  the conclusion that the aggression has NOTHING to do with Easter and every thing to do with parents.  You can call it Helicopter parenting, you can call it over protective, you can call the need for parents not wanting their kids for fail and anything.  What ever you want to call it, is it is a crutch and a handicapper to our nations kids.

Is it not amazing, that the fun little Easter memory that many  of us share, hunting for eggs (hoping  all the while that you found the plastice eggs not the  real ones),and then  comparing them with friends and family to see who actually got the best ones,  has turned into a parental brawl to ensure “their baby”  gets the best eggs, or enough eggs or an egg?

During the event that I worked I lost count of the times I was cursed out for telling parents they could not enter the egg hunting zone. Nor can I count the amount of times that parents came back to get more eggs for their kids.

I hope that the day of the  family Easter egg hunt returns; where children with eyes of wonder and amazement as they discover the egg under the bush.  Or when one giggles in pure happiness that they got the chocolate egg.  All the while, family sits on edge as the 2 year old finds their very first EGG.

Wonder. Dream. Be.

Estella