5 Month Anniversary…. I Miss You


Last week was a pretty good week. I finally made a decision on a matter that I have been wishy washy about for a year. I had a wonderful Easter with family(I brought the lamb, I will share recipe next week).

DISCLAIMER:  I actually wrote this post yesterday (04.11.12).  I was sitting at one of my favorite sushi restaurants, eating my new FAVORITE sushi roll, trying to get my emotions together so I could finish out my work day.

This last week has been an emotional roller coaster for me.  I am not sure what triggered my mind this week, but all week long I have had the overwhelming realization that I am suppose to have a six month old child.

That there should be a small little person gazing up at me. There should be little tiny little fingers touch me. that there should be toys and blankets sprawled across my clean floor with someone crawling around and playing with them.

I want to read mother goose stories and talk about the “car goes vroom” I desire to be frazzled with the business and care of someone other than myself. And songs, all the songs that I wanted to sing and make up on the fly.I long to be making baby food out of my fresh finds from the market. and I crave to hold my sweet boy in my arms.

But this week, it hit really hard, the during my attempt to recreate some sort of normalcy to our lives that there is something missing. Though, we try to make sure that the house is not too quite, and that we have activities to do while we are home so we do not sit and dwell on these thoughts but this week it did not matter what I did all thoughts, actions and activities lead my mind to my precious one.

At the moment there are not cries of  “pick me up” or “you are not paying me any attention” in my house, only tears of hope deferred of what we thought life could of, would of and in our hearts should have been.

Yesterday, I realized why my emotions have been fragile this week.  Tomorrow marks 5 months our little man has been gone from us. Even, though I am learning how to move forward, I miss him dearly.  I so looked forward  to helping him develop into a wonderful young man.  I wanted him to enjoy his childhood, while we enjoyed watching his wonder and excitement for life.  I looked forward to the first time I saw him roll, his first smile. I would sit back and imagine seeing him in his walker, walking around the morning room and into the kitchen.  I wanted to see him crawl down the all; turn, sit up and look back to see if I was watching him.

04.12.12  I had lunch with one of my girlfriends’.  The last time we actually got to spend time together I was pregnant. And over our “Pad U See” she tells me she is  preggers, and that I am one of the few people who know.  While she is telling me that, I am truly happy for her, all the while my heart is hurting.  Then, within breaths of her telling me she was pregnant, she tell me while i was pregnant she had a miscarriage, while I was pregnant.

At that moment I felt a little bit of hope rise within in me, that maybe, I can allow myself to hope.  And just maybe I can move forward.

Day by Day and Moment by Moment,


Ps.  the lamb

Hello World!


This is my very first post, so we are going to give this blogging thing a try.  My hubby has been trying to get me to blog for 3 or 4 years. So today, I say what the heck, lets go for it.   I am currently walking through one of my most difficult seasons of life that I have ever experienced. That being the lost of my first child.

As I walk out this new path that I have been placed on,i am blogging as a form of expression about my random life.  I like a variety of things and topics and anything could pop up here.  I was given a piece of  wisdom by from one of my older friends, she told me that I need to find a hobby so I did not spend my days sitting around and entertaining depression as a house guest. So I have started 2:  one being Gardening and the other Food.

I currently go to work, and come home and that is pretty much it.   I try not to venture to be around many people (unless i am out of town) right now, because it really is hard.   I find my self giving people nasty looks and being  jealous because people are happy.  I know that all of the emotions that I am going through are all parts of the healing process that I must walk through but it really does not make it any easier.

My husband and I have been married for 8 wonderful years and on the day of our 8th anniversary our little one passed away.  He was only 18 days old. Right after my little one left me, I spend the first week or so feeling like I wanted to die. All the while wonder “How I was going to make it?”, “Where do I go?” “What do, I do?”  “What just happened?”  How do I go on, What does tomorrow look like?

So everyday, I celebrate myself, because I have gotten out of bed.  I celebrate myself because I have transplanted a flower or an herb.  I celebrate myself when a dish turns out how I imagined it. I celebrate myself when I walk into a store (today I went to Costco for the first time since my loss).  and I take lots of Pictures, so on days I do not feel like I am going to make it.   I see a day I did made it.

I use to own a cat and I do own a rabbit, and from watching them, through the years,  I have developed the motto that I am currently living by,  which is “day by day and moment by moment.” With my cat, it did not matter if you had a bad day yesterday, today is a new day. With my rabbit, she can be mad at you one moment, and the next moment she is your best friend.


So I hope that you have great, days by days and moments by moments,