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Category: loss of baby

Reflecting on Friendships

At the moment, it has been 8  months since the lost of my son and during this season of mourning,  I am truly learning a lot about friendship or better yet the lack of there of.  It has been odd, awkward and extremely painful, having people in my life pour love, compassion and consideration into me; that only have a linear perception of me ,  versus those whom I have shared many views of my life.

Lately I find myself wondering if, I have spent my time thinking I have friends, and what I really have are associates. I have had to laugh at myself and all of “my ultimate wisdom” thought I was a pretty good judge of character, and in reality I have been truly naive.

What I have found during this time is that my family has stuck closer to me.  During this time there has been a discover of new relationships, while leaning to appreciate the ties that I was born into.   My brothers and sister text me, and my mother constantly and consistently calls me.  My father randomly sends me cards to encourage me and just to let me know that I and my husband are on his mind.

I was warned in January that this was part of loss,  that usually during a time of mourning you  lose friendships.  I would prefer just to re-categorize where people are positioned in my life, because I know I will not be here always, but while I am here, it has allowed me to see, if  the ground crumbled below me, who would throw me an rope.

I have spent this time in reflection,  of myself, who I trust with my heart, and who I allow in my “me” space.   And it is taking months, but I am getting to the point were I am not bitter, bu I am a little hurt and a bit disappointed.

Well that is all I am going to share for today, maybe more about this on another day.

Day by Day and Moment by Moment,

Estella

5 Month Anniversary…. I Miss You

Hello!!

Last week was a pretty good week. I finally made a decision on a matter that I have been wishy washy about for a year. I had a wonderful Easter with family(I brought the lamb, I will share recipe next week).

DISCLAIMER:  I actually wrote this post yesterday (04.11.12).  I was sitting at one of my favorite sushi restaurants, eating my new FAVORITE sushi roll, trying to get my emotions together so I could finish out my work day.

This last week has been an emotional roller coaster for me.  I am not sure what triggered my mind this week, but all week long I have had the overwhelming realization that I am suppose to have a six month old child.

That there should be a small little person gazing up at me. There should be little tiny little fingers touch me. that there should be toys and blankets sprawled across my clean floor with someone crawling around and playing with them.

I want to read mother goose stories and talk about the “car goes vroom” I desire to be frazzled with the business and care of someone other than myself. And songs, all the songs that I wanted to sing and make up on the fly.I long to be making baby food out of my fresh finds from the market. and I crave to hold my sweet boy in my arms.

But this week, it hit really hard, the during my attempt to recreate some sort of normalcy to our lives that there is something missing. Though, we try to make sure that the house is not too quite, and that we have activities to do while we are home so we do not sit and dwell on these thoughts but this week it did not matter what I did all thoughts, actions and activities lead my mind to my precious one.

At the moment there are not cries of  “pick me up” or “you are not paying me any attention” in my house, only tears of hope deferred of what we thought life could of, would of and in our hearts should have been.

Yesterday, I realized why my emotions have been fragile this week.  Tomorrow marks 5 months our little man has been gone from us. Even, though I am learning how to move forward, I miss him dearly.  I so looked forward  to helping him develop into a wonderful young man.  I wanted him to enjoy his childhood, while we enjoyed watching his wonder and excitement for life.  I looked forward to the first time I saw him roll, his first smile. I would sit back and imagine seeing him in his walker, walking around the morning room and into the kitchen.  I wanted to see him crawl down the all; turn, sit up and look back to see if I was watching him.

04.12.12  I had lunch with one of my girlfriends’.  The last time we actually got to spend time together I was pregnant. And over our “Pad U See” she tells me she is  preggers, and that I am one of the few people who know.  While she is telling me that, I am truly happy for her, all the while my heart is hurting.  Then, within breaths of her telling me she was pregnant, she tell me while i was pregnant she had a miscarriage, while I was pregnant.

At that moment I felt a little bit of hope rise within in me, that maybe, I can allow myself to hope.  And just maybe I can move forward.

Day by Day and Moment by Moment,

Estella

Ps.  the lamb