I am going to preface this post by saying, the trigger for it was an elevator ride.  I wiped out my recorder, and just recorded my thoughts as I rode it down.

Hello my name is Shante Nixon, and I can admit that I have PTSD, I did not realize it until I was at the national perinatal association conference. I hate the sound of ringing; I leave my phone on mute. I don’t want to talk to any one hardly. I have gone from being a complete party girl to I would rather be curled up with a book.

And I have to hear my husband’s voice first thing in the morning, and in the middle of the night, and at the end of the night and; it is not necessarily for romantic interest.

I realized that I am struggling with PTSD because here I am 4 & ½ years later and I still cannot stand for a bell to beat or a buzzard a ring to take place. My alarm in the morning is tropical music to wake me up. And not because I like tropical music I actually despise it.

But I cannot handle the ringing. People get offended because I don’t want to talk on my phone. Not understanding all the talking that I did on the phone, and that the news about my of my son dying happened, while talking on the phone.

And the negative news that family members bring to me that all happens on the phone. I got to the point when I told my mom, it must be bad news if you are calling me in the middle of the day. Because it all takes place on the phone so I just got to the point where I would rather just text.

And so I end this very short blog post with, hi my name is Shante, and I struggle with PTSD.

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I have 1 child, my son, and he spent 21 days in the NICU. While at the NICU, I drew a lot of strength from my family. They were so willing to help me get to the NICU when I wasn’t cleared to drive yet, and supported me. My aunts wanted to keep the date for my baby shower which was 10 days after my son was born because they knew it would help keep my spirits up

I didn’t have any online support while in the NICU. I didn’t know about prematurity, IUGR, anything! I was so overwhelmed. it wasn’t till my son had come home that I found the groups that I’m in now. and I met my good friend Mayan who also had her son due to pre-eclampsia. We have bonded and become best friends ever since. The best day was leaving! LOL. I was so ecstatic to bring my baby home. The day where I needed the most support had to be the day before he came home because we had originally thought he would come home that day but he had set back in feedings.

One thought I would like to share with other preemie parents is God wouldn’t have given us the challenge of being preemie moms if he didn’t think we were up for the challenge!

I currently have two girls. Caedyn, who was the twin born prematurely at 29 weeks that survived, and Kamari who was taken at week 36. Caedyn is 7 and will be 8 in July. Kamari is 5 and will be 6 in December.

Caedyn experienced the life of NICU for 3 months.

I drew strength through my faith and religion. I constantly prayed and had my pastor pray with me. I had two friend girls that I was extremely close with that came to be with me when they could and that helped me a lot. My mother was my main supporter. She would come be with me daily. She would bring me food, because often times I forgot to eat. She reminded me constantly that while the girls were in NICU I needed to make sure I was taking care of myself so that I could be there for them.

During the NICU journey, I didn’t utilize the internet for social reasons. The only time I can honestly say I stopped to get on the computer, was to further research Makayla’s condition .

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Necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC).

A great day for Makayla was the day that they allowed a photographer to come in and take pictures of her and Caedyn. She opened her eyes, she was full of life. It was the first time they had been together since they left my womb. It was the first time I actually saw here move around. That was also the day I needed the most support because she passed away later that evening. I knew I had to be strong, because though I’d lost one child, I still had another that was depending on me.

If I could share some information with another NICU parent, it would be to ask questions and get educated. Find out as much as you can about their daily routines, their expectations, and what you can do as a parent to be as present as possible for your child or for another that may not have the love and support they need to make it.